These days I am officially jobless. You would ask why officially
jobless and why not just jobless? So the thing is jobless means being totally
jobless [read vella] and I am not jobless. I do various jobs throughout the
day, just that I don’t get paid for them and hence officially jobless! So here
are some of the snippets from a normal day.
9.00 am: I
am snoring away to glory when my sister comes and asks me what we are going to
have for breakfast as my brother has come over and we need to make something
special. Our daily fruit loops or honey loops just won’t do. She suggests
making ‘puris’ and when I finally succeeded in opening my eyes, she turns
around and leaves. Baby jab pata hee tha toh mujhe jagaya kyun?! [Reference: Himalaya
ad].
10.00 am:
A big mountain of puris welcome me when I come to the living room. I am shocked
because it was supposed to be a breakfast for 2 people, not 20. I make them eat
the same in the afternoon and for the dinner. I am sure my sister has hidden the
rest somewhere but “Hey puri, I am gonna find you and feed you to her”.
11.30 am:
At the gym, I am running like a headless chicken [read a fat headless chicken]
on the treadmill with sweat dripping from each and every pore and hair sticking
to my face. Ok all in all I was an ugly sight to watch. Listening to “Raita
phail gaya” from the new movie Shaandaar I was dreaming of biryani when this
hot girl wearing a bright red ganji and black slacks comes and stands on the
treadmill beside me. I had never seen her before in the gym so I look towards
her and notice she has put on bright red lipstick, lots of kohl and her hair is
totally straight, not a strand out of place. She takes out her phone, takes a
ton of selfies, and walks on the treadmill for like 2mins and moves to the
other machines. Later I came to know she was there for a demo class because of
course I never saw her again. The pains people go through to get those perfect
selfies, I feel you.
Now the things I hate about going to a gym.
1) 1)There’s always this girl who would come to you
and say “When I had joined the gym I was just like you. You should also diet
along with working out, only that’s when you will see the difference. You don’t
worry, you will also look like me if you continue”.
In my head I am like “Babes if I am going to look like you
even after working so hard then I better be fat and happy”.
2) 2) The trainer and her obsession with eggs. The
diet she has given me contains so many eggs that I doubt she has a poultry farm
somewhere and soon she is going to reveal her “yolk secret”.
3) 3) The person selling you Herbal life. So this
person comes to you and talks oh so sweetly and soon you’ll know the reason
behind the “oh so sweetness”.
4.30 pm: I make some delicious Kolkata
styles puchkas and have upto 15 while making it. I am such a good cook and
there goes all my mehnat at the gym.
7.30 pm: Watching C.I.D with bro
and sis when I tell my sis to come and massage my sore shoulders. She sits on
the sofa handle and starts massaging. After some time she tells her bum is
paining sitting on the hard wood, so I tell her to get a cushion and sit over
it. [During childhood, mum used to scare us saying various things just to make
us behave properly. One of those things was potatoes growing on our bum if we sit
on cushions or on pillows. And she used to tell that in such a serious tone
that even today we refrain from sitting on them though the reason behind her
saying that was probably not to mess up the setting of the place.] So my sister
gave me the same reason that she cannot sit on the cushion. So I told her “Hey don’t
worry about it. Waise bhi ghar pe aloo nahi hai, we can pluck some from your
bum for the pav bhaji I am going to make tomorrow”.
