Potatoes Growing On Your Bum?!

These days I am officially jobless. You would ask why officially jobless and why not just jobless? So the thing is jobless means being totally jobless [read vella] and I am not jobless. I do various jobs throughout the day, just that I don’t get paid for them and hence officially jobless! So here are some of the snippets from a normal day.

9.00 am: I am snoring away to glory when my sister comes and asks me what we are going to have for breakfast as my brother has come over and we need to make something special. Our daily fruit loops or honey loops just won’t do. She suggests making ‘puris’ and when I finally succeeded in opening my eyes, she turns around and leaves. Baby jab pata hee tha toh mujhe jagaya kyun?! [Reference: Himalaya ad].

10.00 am: A big mountain of puris welcome me when I come to the living room. I am shocked because it was supposed to be a breakfast for 2 people, not 20. I make them eat the same in the afternoon and for the dinner. I am sure my sister has hidden the rest somewhere but “Hey puri, I am gonna find you and feed you to her”.

11.30 am: At the gym, I am running like a headless chicken [read a fat headless chicken] on the treadmill with sweat dripping from each and every pore and hair sticking to my face. Ok all in all I was an ugly sight to watch. Listening to “Raita phail gaya” from the new movie Shaandaar I was dreaming of biryani when this hot girl wearing a bright red ganji and black slacks comes and stands on the treadmill beside me. I had never seen her before in the gym so I look towards her and notice she has put on bright red lipstick, lots of kohl and her hair is totally straight, not a strand out of place. She takes out her phone, takes a ton of selfies, and walks on the treadmill for like 2mins and moves to the other machines. Later I came to know she was there for a demo class because of course I never saw her again. The pains people go through to get those perfect selfies, I feel you.

Now the things I hate about going to a gym.

1)      1)There’s always this girl who would come to you and say “When I had joined the gym I was just like you. You should also diet along with working out, only that’s when you will see the difference. You don’t worry, you will also look like me if you continue”.

In my head I am like “Babes if I am going to look like you even after working so hard then I better be fat and happy”.

2)    2)  The trainer and her obsession with eggs. The diet she has given me contains so many eggs that I doubt she has a poultry farm somewhere and soon she is going to reveal her “yolk secret”.

3)     3) The person selling you Herbal life. So this person comes to you and talks oh so sweetly and soon you’ll know the reason behind the “oh so sweetness”.

4.30 pm: I make some delicious Kolkata styles puchkas and have upto 15 while making it. I am such a good cook and there goes all my mehnat at the gym.

7.30 pm: Watching C.I.D with bro and sis when I tell my sis to come and massage my sore shoulders. She sits on the sofa handle and starts massaging. After some time she tells her bum is paining sitting on the hard wood, so I tell her to get a cushion and sit over it. [During childhood, mum used to scare us saying various things just to make us behave properly. One of those things was potatoes growing on our bum if we sit on cushions or on pillows. And she used to tell that in such a serious tone that even today we refrain from sitting on them though the reason behind her saying that was probably not to mess up the setting of the place.] So my sister gave me the same reason that she cannot sit on the cushion. So I told her “Hey don’t worry about it. Waise bhi ghar pe aloo nahi hai, we can pluck some from your bum for the pav bhaji I am going to make tomorrow”.